Of Picnics and Condoms
After the long drive I had to use the facilities and noticed a condom machine on the wall. Back in the day, condoms were not something you saw out in full display and there were laws banning their advertisement. They were in pharmacies under the counter and you had to have the courage to ask for one. Of course I had heard of condoms as early as 7th grade when in a hushed voice a fellow boy scout told us his dad had a big box of them and he could get one for us. I didn't really know what a condom was at the time but acted as if I did.
Well, back to the picnic in Kansas. I decided to buy one or two for fun. This is the honest truth: when I was in ninth grade I vowed to buck the trend and remain a virgin until my wedding night (this is for Pat's mom Pat Jensen - I thought you would appreciate that since I am not sure you ever knew). At the picnic table I opened one and we found all sorts of uses for it other than what it was intended for. We had our lunch and headed back. I stuffed the unwrapped condom in my pocket and later slipped it into Jim’s jacket pocket without him knowing. I figured it would cause some form of entertainment later. Boy, did it ever!
Having dropped off the ladies Jim, Jamie, my mom and I were standing in the entryway of our house. I had my hands in my pocket and while my mom was talking to Jim I took them out. You guessed it - the unwrapped condom fell out of my pocket! Jim Holtz had slipped it back into my pocket without me knowing. We all looked down at the floor at that unholy piece of latex on the floor not knowing what to say. I just picked it up and said “you guys, always playing tricks on me”. The conversation continued as if nothing had ever happened and my mom never brought it up. I wonder what she thought.